Well that's a big graphic, I know. I'm not one to flaunt pictures of myself around (although I do LOVE a good selfie!). The change is huge and real and impossible to ignore. I suppose I don't really even need to make the photo so big. It's obvious. But there are some things in this photo that aren't so clear -- important things-- so let's chat about them, shall we?
First off. Let's talk about me on the left. You may see a chubby faced girl who is sorta smiling. But what is really behind those somewhat-sad eyes is a girl who had just lost her father. Losing a father to anyone is a source of trauma, I think. For me, I lost my best friend. I lost my dad before he ever got to meet the love of my life. I lost him before I ever knew I would have children. I was sad. I was broken in a million pieces.
The first few weeks after he passed away I told myself the biggest lie I think I ever had. I told myself I wouldn't fall apart, I wouldn't stop caring. I would mourn him, but make it out alive with not a lot of scarring because I knew that is what he wanted. I had the best of intentions. But the girl on the left, she doesn't look very alive does she? Grief doesn't always allow our intentions to come to fruition, does it? And maybe placing ANY blame on grief is the worst move. Because I was already weak in mind and body -- I quickly quit on myself. I was already overweight prior to him dying (weight has been a struggle my whole life), but I just stopped living. I stopped laughing and smiling. I was in hiding. I couldn't allow myself even for a moment to really *feel* the pain I was experiencing, so I ate. Or sometimes I didn't. Either way I was punishing my own health for my short comings.
I want to hug the girl on the left. I want to shake her. I want to tell her things will be okay. And more then anything, I wish to remind her that she is worth the self love she so desperately needs.
Now to the more pleasant picture on the right. Oh how I love this girl too. She's pretty new to me, but I'm pretty sure I love her more each day. The girl on the right has promised to be a friend to her body. She has sworn so.
On the outside, with the pretty made up face you can see she's *smaller* then on the left -- but that is really just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. She has more confidence then ever before. She has a body that is ever changing, ever improving.
She works through her grief each day, and has begun talking about her loss a little at a time. She recognizes the importance of walking through the pain instead of mashing it down. I find myself seeing my dad everywhere in life -- especially in my determination to be everything God has intended for me to be.
I have a renewed passion for helping others who literally need life breathed into them. The broken hearted, the lost, the sick, the tired. If I can pull myself up out of the dirt and rebuild -- so can you. If this is you, and you feel a pull to make a change or simply need someone to talk to - contact me. Let me share with you things that have worked for me. Let me inspire you to take that first step. Let me remind you that you CAN restart again. You are worthy of the world.
Ashlee
